Have you ever wondered about your role in this grand scheme of things? Have you ever wondered why all the suffering? Did you ever have trouble blending in?
Well, me too. From a very young age, I have struggled to find my place in this world. I felt different. I felt like I didn’t belong. All around me I saw the deficient structures and systems and habits of people. Yet the only way to be accepted is to take part in them. Here started my journey towards being part of it all, while at the same time, losing my connection with it all.
Already as a child I knew I was different. I was hypersensitive to people’s energies, pains and emotions. To sounds and visions. I had crazy realistic dreams and haunting repeating night terrors which (out of pure necessity) taught me to control my dreams in order to change and get rid of them. With a friend I had a special language that only we could understand. And I was so creative. But I was also very alone in my intense experience of the inner and outer world. I tried to hide my true colours and fit in the coat of social constructs, conditioning and the expectations of society that never ever felt right.
I overcompensated the lack of a sense of belonging with a lot of talent for a lot of things. From a very young age, I became independent and worked magic all around me. On the surface it all looked so great. People were admiring my talents and my work as a copywriter, content specialist and photographer. But with all the talent in the world, I just couldn’t cope with the expectations of society. The coat still didn’t fit, no matter how hard I tried. I ended up completely burned out, depressed, broke and in debt (for 10 years of my life) and even homeless at some point.
It all led to something, though.
About 5 years ago I have lost my mind.
And thereby I have lost my ego, my identity, all the roles I had taken on as extra layers of clothing, all the responsibilities my shoulders were bearing and, of course, the coat of social conditioning and social construct.
I have shed everything that wasn’t truly me. I was bare naked. I didn’t even remember my own name.
My brain was unable to cope. I couldn’t process the contents of my fridge. I heard music that wasn’t actually there. My eyesight and hearing shut itself down whenever I was in traffic.
And still, in the midst of all of this, I remembered. I remembered who we are and where we come from. I traveled back to the origins of my soul and was able to view this world with the bare eyes of the Ancients.
At the moment my ego deconstructed, everything happened at once. I have never felt closer to myself and the whole of existence. My heart ripped itself open and I felt a love so indescribably deep. My energy couldn’t be contained nor controlled. I saw the world with new eyes.
I was reborn in this life, and I remembered everything. I remembered the origin of my soul, my true purpose in this life and my future. Like a phoenix that rises from the ashes, I was reborn from the flames in the depths of hell and have risen like a Goddess.
Everything from before my rebirth is healed and forgiven.
Everything after my rebirth is a whole different story. It has been a roller coaster ride. Imagine a baby who doesn’t know anything from this world having to deal with things like income, housing and serious legal threats. Imagine a fried brain that shuts itself down and sees and hears imaginable things, having to feed a body. Imagine a nuclear bomb of spiritual energy and potency trying to regulate itself while having not the slightest idea what the hell was going on. Imagine my loved ones being worried to death, yet unable to do anything. Imagine not being able to be around people for longer than 10 minutes because of my total lack of control over and protection of my own energy. Imagine my physical state being one of total exhaustion and fallout. Imagine having serious cardiac issues at a young age. Imagine having nothing less to lose so just as well ending up disappearing or dead. Dealing with the system when I truly couldn’t, has severely traumatized me. I’ve never felt so close to death and I’ve been very closed to making the news as the next “confused person”.
Yet in all of this, I have never felt closer to myself. I was walking this Earth with a Purpose. I have experienced the wonder of dissolving into it All. I have been talking with the trees and singing with the stars. I never loved so deeply. And I had so much wisdom coming to me. Every step I took and every connection I made, was a pure and heart-filling adventure. I had freed myself from the prison of social construct. I now operated beyond the level of the days of the week or the political system or money or even time! A whole new world opened itself to me, and there was so much to learn.
It was a period of big conflicts and big contrasts. It took years before my brain and physical condition stabilized themselves (and I still will never be the same again). I could only surrender to my soul, my dear soul that I had even forgotten about it’s existence! My soul being so delighted that it could finally shine, but my mind and body so sick that they couldn’t keep me safe. I felt so connected and have never felt lonely again, yet at the same time my experiences were so profound that I couldn’t even find the words to describe. In reality, I was very much alone and misunderstood.
Bit by bit I started to collect some context. Instantly I had come to understand I was going through a shamanic illness and initiation; my calling was presented to me in an indispensable way. Months after, I found the first story that I could relate to in Inanna’s journey through the Underworld. Yoga made me realize that all my chakras had burst open without proper preparation and understanding. Only a few years after my rebirth I learned about the Dark Night of the Soul. My studies of the Qabalah made me understand the crossing of the Abyss. And finally, an initiated being mentioned to me that what I had gone through, was a reverse initiation process. The lowest low is a bridge to the highest high.
From the moment of my initiation, I promised myself a few things. No more going against (my) nature. No more adapting to other people’s or society’s expectations. No more hiding of my true colors. I answer only to the Laws of Nature and the Universe.
Why do I tell all of this?
Because it connects me to my true purpose. The day I was reborn, I remembered why I am here: to serve those in greatest spiritual need.
I had no idea where to go when I got called. No idea who could guide me, and not a clue what was going on.
If only one person reads this and is helped by this, I already served my purpose. If you are this person, you should know that I dedicate my life to creating a place where I can hold space for your process. The mind is very able to heal itself if you only let it. The door is open for guidance, context, and support. The door is always open.